1. I haven’t seen or spoken to LM since she left. There have been a couple of emails, but we simply don’t move in the same circles.
2. TNB was a nightmare at first (and continues to be so for some other members of staff), but I quickly realised that as long as you are responsible and constructive in how you go about your work, she is OK. I wouldn’t be friends with her, but it was a reasonable working relationship.
3. Also, TNB created a new job within the department, which I applied for and got. This has pretty much changed my career, and to a certain extent my life, as I now have a professional qualification and a new career direction.
4. The other life-changing event is that TOH and I are no longer. I don’t really want to dwell on this one for obvious reasons, save to say that we remain friends.

And that is it. Well, not quite, as that glosses over the time that I spent on suspension after a jealous colleague (let’s call her Sulky Bitch, because that is what she is) accused me and one other of racism. It all blew over in the end, but it was the final straw to convince me that I needed a fresh start and get the hell out of there. Incidentally, if you were profiling people likely to be making prejudiced comments in the workplace, you wouldn’t really choose a second-generation immigrant and a gay man, would you?

SB got away scot-free, but there would be little mileage in pursuing a counter-claim – I would like to think that I was the bigger man for walking away rather than getting into a potentially explosive and costly fight, and I doubt that there would be any real winners. Anyway, she is no longer my problem – I got me a new job in a new place, and although it is still relatively early days, I think I am much happier for it.

It just remains for me to thank several people:

• Those at work who have supported me both personally and professionally, in particular TNB for creating the opportunity for me to move on with my career, and also my (hitherto-unmentioned) professional mentor for providing me with support and a shoulder to cry on (sometimes literally)
• My parents, who couldn’t always help, but were always there
• TOH, for all the love and support that got me through the dark times at work
• My friends; when I watched “It’s A Wonderful Life” last Christmas, I burst into tears at the *SPOILER ALERT* note from Clarence saying, “Remember, no man is a failure who has friends”. I don’t think I need to say much more, do I?

And a final thank you, to those who have left comments and sent me messages. It is clear that many of us can relate to the type of issues that I have recounted here, and I have certainly found it cathartic to share, and heartening to receive your support.

With that, I bid you farewell…

Just wanted to say that I have not forgotten you. Sometimes it is difficult to make time for things like this, just like it has been for the last nine months. Nine months?!

There have been quite a few dramatic changes, and it is not my intention for the departure of LM to signal the end of this blog. But I just need to find the time. I will do my best, I promise.

Peace.

MM

At the risk of glossing over my period of sick leave, one month went past, I got the medical all-clear, and most importantly, I felt like I want to go back to work. As you would expect from someone as inexperienced as LM, she made various sympathetic noises, before telling me the big news – she is leaving.

Whilst you might be expecting me to start jumping up and down with joy, whooping and hollering and generally rejoicing, I can honestly say that this was not my reaction (and not just because it would be inappropriate in front of LM’s face).

You see, she is moving onto a better job, or at least one that might be more suitable for her skillset. For that, I am happy, because for all that LM can be pig-headed and stubborn, it is a sign that some things have sunken in. Her new job will enable her to use the IT skills that were under-utilised in her current role, but will not involve too many social skills (and thankfully, will not involve being anyone’s line manager). We are all pleased to see that LM has learnt from aspects of the last year and a bit, and I can honestly say that she leaves with my best wishes.

As for me, well I am just glad to be back – being off sick with stress is not good for the soul, and you get very restless, as you feel that you should be doing something. I will now be directly line-managed by TNB, who is the next up the ladder – due to ongoing restructuring, LM will not be directly replaced for the foreseeable, and even when she is, the replacement is unlikely to be my new line manager. I still feel a good degree of uncertainty about this, but in the meantime, I just have to get on with life – it is now time for the Moaning Minion to get a bit more selfish, I think.

2008 was a poor year, not just for me, but for quite a few people I know as well. Apart from my constant travails at work, the year started with my mother being rushed to hospital for an emergency operation (it wasn’t life threatening, but it was an emergency), and ended with TOH staying in hospital over the Christmas and New Year period (they want to discharge her the day after tomorrow, but I am not convinced that it will be the best thing for her). In the meantime, my mother had another spell of ill-health (still waiting for test results to confirm what the problem is), and I had my period off work and am now on prescription medication.

So what we planned as a relaxing Christmas break turned out to be anything but. We were going to travel the 50 or so miles to spend a couple of days with TOH’s family, then a couple of days with my family, then back to our place to chill and enjoy a few days in each other’s company (which sometimes seems like a rare luxury). TOH was allowed out of the hospital for a few hours during the day, but had to be back by 8pm, which meant that we had to travel up on Christmas Day to eat turkey with her family, before rushing home; then the next day we travelled up to see my parents, before rushing home again. To make things more complicated, some of my family couldn’t make Boxing Day, which meant another trip up the road a few days later (and yet again, we had to be back by 8pm). So what should have been a relaxing time turned into three or four 100 mile round trips (thank heavens that the price of petrol has come down a bit), and that is without thinking of the heartache and anxiety of TOH being in hospital every night (although we both realise that it is probably the best place for her).

New Year’s Eve was characterised by the fact that I drunk a single bottle of beer, felt sleepy, but decided to stay up to watch Charlie Brooker’s Screen Wipe. At 12pm, I heard some whooshes and bangs outside, looked at the clock and realised that the New Year had arrived. I don’t think I have ever felt so underwhelmed at the prospect.

But, I am also counting my blessings, as some other people I know have had far worse. One friend was rocked by the sudden and unexplained suicide of a family member, just a few weeks before they were due to get married; another had the triple whammy of an unresolved court case (a friend had passed away a few years ago, but someone was disputing the will), a very poorly parent, and the break-up of their marriage. Although I feel desperately sorry for these friends of mine, in some ways I am grateful that I know some people worse off than me, because it helps to keep things in perspective.

I have just read that last bit back and it sounds horrible. I don’t mean it to, and I trust, dear reader, that you will have the nous to know what I mean without holding it against me.

So I am not in the least bit sorry to see the back of 2008, and I don’t know many people who are. Just about everyone I know had a very quiet New Year’s night, and we all hope that next year will be better.

Thank you for reading and all your comments – Happy New Year to you all.

So what has driven me to this state? Well, in fairness to LM, it isn’t entirely her fault. The organisation is undergoing a restructure; in fact it has been for months, and is moving at a snail’s pace. I already know that my job won’t exist anymore, although I have been reassured that there will be “opportunities” for me. In the meantime, the uncertainty is driving me crazy, although not in a round-the-bend way. In reality, I am constantly tired with headaches and body aches, I cannot do the housework anymore, including making the dinner (and I usually love cooking), and I haven’t shaved for many days. At work, I cannot concentrate, and wherever I am, I suspect that I have become a lot more irritable. I have simply lost the ability to function as normal.

It is a surprise to some people at work that I am off sick, as I have tried my best to hide my spiral. I had told LM that I was going for a doctor’s appointment, and she was surprised and suitably concerned when I told her that I had been signed off for two weeks to start with.

At home, all I want to do is rest. I am sure that some of you will be reading this and thinking that I am soft, but I have experience of depression in myself and others, and I know a little bit about mild to moderate mental disorders. So I know that this is not depression, but stress fuelled by anxiety. The GP got me to do a “HAD” test measuring anxiety and depression, and finished off by saying, “You look knackered. I am going to sign you off for a couple of weeks, so get some rest”.

It is a physiological response to stress that causes your levels of cortisol, adrenaline and noradrenaline to fluctuate beyond their norms. Put simply, when you are uncertain about your environment, or feel threatened, the body subconsciously prepares a “fight or flight” response, which means that your muscles, joints and senses are constantly heightened. If faced with these types of circumstance everyday, then the body is constantly on alert, hence the headaches and fatigue.

I have suffered from depression in the past, and while I still cannot pinpoint quite what I can do to make things better, I also do not have the feelings of despair and hopelessness that characterise depression. In the meantime, I have no idea what is happening about my work – I have quite a lot on at the moment, but I am not going to think about it. I am wondering what will happen next – will this bang a few heads together at work? Will LM and the hierarchy put two and two together? Watch this space…

So when The Temp started, we were all struck by how much like LM she looked – in fact she was quickly christened as “Mini-Me”. The trouble is that, if you take someone with no prior knowledge and then have them trained by only one person, they will invariably end up as a reflection of the trainer. This was compounded by the fact that although many of LM’s negatives shone through, The Temp unfortunately lacks the conviction, initiative and personality to achieve, well, anything at all really.

LM and The Temp have a meeting

Maybe I’m being unfair – The Temp does in fact have the ability to suck air out of the room and would probably make a useful cure for insomnia. It is always useful to have an extra pair of hands, but it becomes a bit wearing when she cannot do anything without asking (in an unnecessarily high voice) “How do you do this?” or “Can you help me?”.

And worse than this, she really shirks her responsibilities – part of The Temp’s role is to provide a front-line service to enquirers. Most of the time this is easy enough, but I have also noted a number of occasions where, rather than actually tell the client something that they would rather not hear, she pulls myself or other colleagues out of our offices to do the dirty work.

Yet as far as LM is concerned, the sun shines out of The Temp’s behind. Is it because they look similar? Is it because LM is just so grateful to have someone to help? Maybe LM cannot face giving The Temp her notice, going through the recruitment process and training a new temp… Actually, I think it is just because (like TB before her), LM can only see good things in someone who she unilaterally appointed. The Temp may be pathetic, but it is not her fault that she is continually trying to swim when she is well out of her depth…

Every week, LM likes to have a one-to-one meeting with me, “just to keep an eye on things”. To be fair to LM, I don’t think it is because she is overly suspicious or wary of my actions and motives, but it is probably more likely that she has read it in some management manual.

After the usual gubbins (“So, do you have anything to report?” “No, not really. You?”), just as I thought I would be able to get rid of her, she suddenly launched into a spiel about how she knew that it took some time for both of us to “adjust” to working with each other, and hoped that things were getting better.

So far, so bland. Things took an unexpected turn when LM reported that in her last meeting with TNB, there had been some discussion of my working relationship with LM; of course, TNB is aware of my decision to get some advice from HR, although I am pleased to say that she didn’t appear to have disclosed this to LM. What was intriguing is that she said that she is aware that she comes across as lacking tact when talking to people, but she explained this away by saying that when someone makes her aware that she has done this, she apologises* and moves on. Am I the only one who doesn’t think it is OK to just blunder along, and think everything will be OK if you say sorry afterwards? Much to my surprise, LM then asked me to provide her with details about the things that she did that I have difficulties with.

While we're on the subject...

Actually, this was a very noble sentiment, but I can guarantee that however awkward LM must have felt asking that, it was nowhere near as bad as how I felt as the respondent. I have never wanted the ground to swallow me up before, but this was pretty close. Bearing in mind that we don’t work in the cut-throat world of big business, I took the woolly, lily-livered, liberal public sector approach and bluffed my way out of answering the question. Then, after LM had left, I took a deep breath and wondered what to do next.

I actually managed to make another appointment with HR, in which we discussed whether it was appropriate for LM to ask this in such a way, and how (and whether) to give feedback without causing more problems.

As it happens, I would like to give LM my feedback but am worried about the possible breakdown of our working relationship; I don’t view LM as having a great deal of emotional intelligence (although she clearly has a big brain, I think she is only capable of learning from stuff that she reads), and I am not convinced that she would respond well to comments such as “you don’t listen, you interrupt other people, you ask people their opinions and consistently ignore them, and you don’t say please, thank you or sorry often enough”.

Maybe I am the one with a problem here – in fact, maybe my level of emotional intelligence is low enough that I cannot work out how to deliver such feedback without feeling uncomfortable, or worrying that I will lose my rag with her.

Either way, I feel as though I have been put “on the spot” and can only stall for so long. Does anyone have any advice? Please?

* I have alluded to LM’s “apologies” in an earlier post.

To be fair, the whole reason for this exercise was an edict by TNB that certain things “have to change”, and in my eyes, this is no bad thing – TNB has not been here very long, and can give a fresh perspective on things. TNB was not, however, present at this meeting.

The session started with a very patronising presentation, delivered by LM. You know when people throw in jargon to make themselves look more impressive (thus giving rise to the popular game of “bullsh*t bingo“)? You get the picture… To give LM some credit, she then asked us to participate in a well-thought out exercise, in small groups, asking us to sort “types of information”.

However, every silver lining has a cloud; at every stage, LM kept interrupting each group, hovering over people’s shoulders while they were talking, and astonishingly, was reorganising the info that she had asked us to position! The whole aim of the exercise was to give our opinions on how these things should be presented, for God’s sake! As usual, LM also wouldn’t let people speak, and kept interrupting other people’s suggestions.

To have the nerve to ask for other people’s opinions, and then reorganise it all so it is the way she wants it was just unbelievable, and everyone (and I mean literally the whole department) walked out at the end feeling that it was a total waste of our time, and asking “What’s the point? Everything we suggested was taken over by her – she clearly doesn’t want our opinions so why did she ask for them?”.

Answers on a postcard please…

As with many offices, we have a shared calendar; simply, it enables all of us to know where someone is if they are out of the office, whether on leave, in a meeting or attending an event (obviously this is an electronic calendar, accessed via Microsoft Outlook, rather than a big wall-planner). LM has made it quite clear that she expects me to ensure that the calendar is up-to-date so that she can remember when I will be on leave or on training. LM has even told off other colleagues, over whom she has no jurisdiction, when they haven’t updated the calendar (which makes her popular with them, as I’m sure you can imagine).

The next day, we had our regular team meeting, and after a tip-off from a colleague that people were not happy, LM had prepared herself. Before anyone could say anything, LM launched into a spiel that she had passed a message onto me via The Temp, that everything should have been covered, and that I should not be “upset” by it. I responded that upset was not the right word, and pointed out that her trip was not on the calendar, to which LM responded that she would make sure that she would do her best to ensure that she would add things to the calendar in the future.

Why was this not enough for me? Simply, there was one word missing: “Sorry”. There was no admission of culpability, merely a justification of LM’s own actions designed to fend off any criticism. Furthermore, there was no acknowledgment that it is unrealistic for LM to expect standards from others that she is incapable of adhering to herself.

"Excuse me?"

The wonderful world of “office-speak”, as reported on the BBC: click here to read an article that will ring a bell for many of you (with the background here).